The myth of being nice: Why real psychological safety requires ‘comfortable conflict’

Imagine walking into a meeting at ASML, one of the world's most successful tech companies. You might expect quiet, orderly presentations. Instead, you find what one insider described as "chaotic and loud" debates, where engineers "constantly hold each other's feet to the fire." After the meeting, they slap each other on the back and grab a coffee together.

Is this a toxic culture? On the contrary. Experts point to this as a prime example of psychological safety in action.

This story shatters the single biggest myth in leadership today: that psychological safety is about being "nice." Many leaders believe creating a safe environment means eliminating conflict, encouraging politeness, and ensuring everyone feels comfortable. But this misunderstanding is holding their teams back.

True psychological safety isn't about the absence of conflict. It's about creating a level of trust so profound that your team can engage in the rigorous, challenging debates necessary for innovation—and come out stronger on the other side.

The trap of "conversational ping-pong"

We've all been in meetings where everyone is talking, but no one is truly listening. One person shares an idea, which reminds someone else of a story they want to tell. That person stops listening and waits for their turn to speak. The "conversation" becomes a game of associative ping-pong, bouncing from one person's anecdote to the next.

Everyone leaves feeling they had a "good talk," but nothing of substance was achieved. No ideas were deepened, no assumptions were challenged, and no real connection was made. This shallow communication is often a symptom of a psychologically unsafe environment, where team members subconsciously avoid the risk of real dialogue.

Deep dialogue, the hallmark of a safe and effective team, looks very different. It’s characterized by genuine curiosity and clarifying questions:

• "How did you arrive at that conclusion?"

• "What do you mean by that, exactly?"

• "Help me understand why that's important from your perspective."

This isn't about being polite; it's about a relentless, shared search for the best possible answer.

How leaders can build a culture of comfortable conflict

Shifting from a "nice" culture to a truly "safe" one requires intentional leadership. It's your role to model and reward the behaviors that make rigorous debate productive, not personal.

1. Depersonalize the Debate

The lesson from ASML is crucial: attack the problem, not the person. As a leader, you must set this tone. When challenging an idea, frame it as a collective effort. Instead of "I don't think your idea will work," try "How can we make this idea robust enough to overcome potential challenges like X and Y?" This makes the critique about the work, not the individual's worth.

2. Reward Courageous Questions

In most meetings, the person who agrees quickly or has a fast answer is rewarded. A leader who builds psychological safety does the opposite. They actively praise the person who asks the "silly" question that everyone else was thinking, or the one who bravely says, "I'm not sure I understand, can we go back?" This signals that clarity and rigor are valued more than speed and conformity.

3. Make Mistakes a Source of Data, Not Shame

Vulnerability starts with you. When you openly admit a mistake, you give your team permission to do the same. Frame errors not as individual failures but as valuable data for the entire team. A mistake is simply a new piece of information that helps you collectively navigate forward. This transforms shame into a shared learning opportunity.

Moving beyond the myth

Building a team capable of "comfortable conflict" is one of the most powerful things a leader can do. It requires moving beyond the myth of being nice and embracing the hard, rewarding work of building genuine trust.

At Nelson Workshops, we specialize in facilitating this shift. Our interactive sessions on Advanced Communication, Team Cohesion, and Leadership are designed to provide a safe, structured environment where your team can practice the skills of deep dialogue and productive debate. We don't just talk about theory; we create the conditions for your team to build the psychological muscle needed for high performance.

Are you ready to stop avoiding conflict and start using it as your greatest tool for innovation? Let's connect.